February 2011
51 posts
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Inpatient, Round 2
I’m going to be gone again. Same thing as the last time. I’ll try to update when I can, but I’m going somewhere different, so the rules about cell phone usages are different.
Don’t miss me too much (or at all, really). But, I’ll miss you guys.
I leave you guys with two poems.
One by Langston Hughes:
DREAMS
Hold fast to dreams For if they die Life is a...
scribblesbyz asked: Glad to quote you. :) Anytime.
January 2011
66 posts
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“There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Zora Neale Hurston (via deadwriters)
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I'm out
I danced with a male. Almost had a panic attack, thank goodness I’m drunk.
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Wait, what?
I keep forgetting huge chunks out of my day. I’ll forget entire conversations and things I’ve done, or places I’ve gone. I forget within a day, sometimes within a few hours. It’s been happening for the last few weeks.
I think it’s the medicine. I wish I would have thought to bring it up to my doctor today but (surprise, surprise) I forgot.
I wonder, though, if it...
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Paranoia
I’m just beginning to realize exactly how scared I am. I was walking home this morning from a doctor appointment and whenever a man passed me, either on foot or in a car, I got tense. I was just super paranoid.
It’s strange that I get so anxious when I’m out walking, it’s not like I was dragged into an alley or van from the street. You’d think I’d be more...
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"No more secret blogs!"
Finally put a link to this blog on my original Tumblr. So I guess that whole anonymity thing is kind of over, haha. But that’s okay. It’s time I stopped pretending this happened to some other girl.
Hi, I’m Jamika. Nice to meet you all.
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lovelyladyplant replied to your post: These new meds
may I ask what you are taking?
tehribbit replied to your post: These new meds
Yeah, I want to know what you’re taking too if okay, I fucking hate remembering my dreams.
I’m taking a med called Minipress (Prazosin) which was originally for high blood pressure, but after research they found out it helps with nightmares, for reasons that...
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These new meds
Stop the nightmares, for the most part, but they also makes me forget any dreams I have.
I don’t know what’s worse. Having nightmares or not remembering my dreams.
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Anonymous asked: i would like to talk to you more (i've asked your several things before, the person who has no idea how to use tumblr) but i've gone through a lot of stuff that is similiar to you. and i really want to help you more. actually we can help each other more. i know that. how can i contact you without putting my blog name on here? just wondering. i didn't know if i could ask something...
imightaswelljump asked: I'm sorry that you were sexually assaulted. I know how hard it can be.
...I myself have also been feeling like continuing down the road to self-destruction.
I smoke cigarettes and weed everyday, and if I'm ever out of weed all hell breaks loose. ...I also find that self harm is very similar to meditation for me. It brings me the same kind of peace and relaxation, but only...
...I myself have also been feeling like continuing down the road to self-destruction.
I smoke cigarettes and weed everyday, and if I'm ever out of weed all hell breaks loose. ...I also find that self harm is very similar to meditation for me. It brings me the same kind of peace and relaxation, but only...
theprettyfaceless asked: I have the same disorder.
I just wanted to tell you that reading your blog helps more than you know. No one around me shares my... condition. So how am I to know what is normal and what isn't?
Just reading your posts helps.
So thank you, both for posting them, and for being brave enough to be honest.
I just wanted to tell you that reading your blog helps more than you know. No one around me shares my... condition. So how am I to know what is normal and what isn't?
Just reading your posts helps.
So thank you, both for posting them, and for being brave enough to be honest.
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After 12 days
I am no longer on the 11th floor Mental Health Unit at St. Joseph Hospital.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m happy. Genuinely.
If you had asked me just two days ago, I would have told you I’d be feeling shitty for-fucking-ever. But here I am, alive and, for the most part, well.
It feels good.
Thanks for all of the words of support. I can’t wait to respond to...
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Last night, in a group meeting, a new guy on the unit started going on about guns. He reminded me of You Know Who.
I started panicking, but tried to contain it. But I looked at him again and even his facicial hair reminded me of him. As soon a I got back my room, there he was! I was struck from the terrible surprise.
I got on my bed, pulled my knees to my chest, covered my ears and closed my...
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Another update from the mental health unit
So, I’ve been here for just about a week. It’s been tough, to say the least. I’ve been through rollercoaster of emotions and made tons of revelations. I’ve been feeling incredibly suicidal all week. They put me on this thing called one-to-one. I basically have a babysitter because they don’t believe I can be left alone without trying to hurt myself, or trying to leave...
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Still here
Still in the psych hospital. I can see some of the messages you sent me’ but I can’t respond to them from my phone. I really appreciate all of the kind words. I’ll probably be here a few more days. I hope to talk to you all soon.
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Inpatient
I’ve been admitted to a hospital on a psych hold. Think I’ll be here over the weekend. I’ll talk to you guys when I can.
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Slipping
Because of all of the emotion of last week, my PTSD-centric therapy has been put on hold for the time being. However, I am now going to therapy twice a week. The day after my first session this week, I thought that maybe twice a week was going to be too much. I wasn’t sure I’d have anything to say. Another 24 hours on this planet, though, changed my mind. I feel like quite the mess, to...
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“It’s grief. They want you to have some kind of normal response to grief,...”
– Henry Carter (Kevin Spacey) - Shrink
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I probably shouldn't
It’s just that when I drink, I smile again. I laugh. I enjoy myself. I relax. Even if I’m by myself. When I drink, it’s like I’ve found that person I’ve grown distant from over the last year or so—the better side of me. I miss this me.
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“Have you ever thought that, maybe, you will be a better person than the person...”
– My Counselor posed this question to me today after I told her that I don’t like who I am, or where I am, and said that I don’t think I could ever be the person I used to believe I was or wanted to be.
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Haven't had a drink in a week
All good things come to an end.
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“My body’s talking to me,
It says, ‘Time for danger.’
It...”
– “Out Tonight” - RENT
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Stuck
I feel like I’m out of words. I don’t know how to describe what’s going on inside of me. I have counseling tomorrow (well, later today) and I have no clue what to say.
But, you know, maybe it’s not that I don’t know what to say, maybe it’s that I just don’t know where to start. Either way, I’m feeling pretty stuck.
I think the Prozac is working....
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taihjahahmani:
Diddy Dirty Money ft. Skylar...
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“As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It’s not that we...”
– Samantha - Now & Then
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Subconscious
Las night, I dreamt that I committed suicide. I was in a huge house, with people all around. I was sitting in the rafters of the house and I just decided to hang myself. As I was slipping away I could see people scrambling to help me, but I didn’t care.
It was such a strange dream.
Here’s an interpretation I found online:
To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate...
gracefaithforeign2-deactivated2 asked: I really like your blog, best of luck in your recovery. I shared a link to your blog on my website because I think it is very helpful and inspired. Keep up the good writing! http://walkinginthedark.com/2011/01/07/building-blogs/
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I hate how awkward being raped has made me in...
Anonymous asked: I think that you're beautiful, and strong, and so, so, brave. I don't know your name. I don't know your face. I wouldn't be able to recognise you in the street, and I'm fairly sure that we live on different continents. Really, I don't know what to say. I don't know how I would be able to cope - or if I would be able to cope - if what has happened to you happened...
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Man, I wish I could be blazed all the time
All. The. Time.
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Fuck. FUck. FUCk. FUCK. FUCK!
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Getting dressed
And I just looked down at the shirt I wore all day yesterday and to bed last night and said to myself, “No one saw it, I can wear it again.”
I realize this is something most wouldn’t share, but I just needed to write this moment out so I can look back it someday and realize just how little fucks I gave at this point in my life.
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becauseshematters:
Far East Movement-...
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“Open me up and you will see,
I’m a gallery of broken hearts.
I’m...”
– Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson
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Ridiculousness
I’m thinking of going downstairs to get dinner, but I can hear that my roommates are down there. I know myself well enough to know that I’ll feel guilty if I get food and eat in my room instead of with them, but I really don’t feel like conversing and “laughing” this evening. I just want to sit in my room, watch cartoons and eat spicy food.
I’ve started...
Anonymous asked: Hello again : ) talked to you earlier. The person who is still trying to fully understand tumblr. I saw your post about your mom and it struck me as truly wonderful. You see I was abused as a child, and my mom knew my dad was molesting me. She let it happen. To see your mom be such a strong, positive influence in your life is such a blessing. In the end me and my mother talked out our differences...
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It's 5AM
And she knows.
I’m tired. So exhausted.
The lack of sleep + The wine + All of the emotions and revelations of the last couple of hours = HOLYSHITFUCKDAMN!
I hardly know what’s going on right now, but I wanted to make sure I wrote this down before I woke up and the rawness of the moment was gone.
My head is swimming. My stomach is in knots. I feel so sick. But I’m so...
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