Since discussing BPD briefly with my counselor, I’ve been reading more and more about it for the past few days. I’ve been learning much about how the brain of someone with BPD tends to work.

I was made aware of cognitive distortions earlier this year and was briefly talked to about DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and, along with it, mindfulness. Mindfulness is thought to help in the way of helping one be aware they’re having these “unhealthy” thoughts and, through acknowledgement of those thoughts, realize that they are mentally harmful. However, instead of feeling shitty for having those harmful thoughts, you’re supposed to just accept them and stay in the moment. Ultimately, the idea is to stay present in a non-judgmental way.

I get that. I had a counselor once who told me to remind myself that it’s okay to be feeling how I’m feeling. She told me to try, for the day, to just be with my emotions and, no matter what I’m feeling, tell myself that it’s all right to be feeling that way.

I realize now that she was trying to teach me mindfulness. I tried it that day, to be present, but no matter how many times I told myself, “It’s okay that I don’t want to be alive anymore.” I just couldn’t believe it. 

And I know they mean “okay” in the sense that my feelings are valid and I shouldn’t feel stupid for feeling, and not in the sense that it’s okay to feel that way because I deserve to feel that way, or however one may interpret that.

The thing about mindfulness is that I don’t want to be mindful. I’ve been inadvertently mindful all week and I’ve been in a shitty fucking head space all week.

I think too much to constantly sit with all of the emotions my thoughts evoke.